everything all at once
I often say I don’t know what I want. I find that to be true most of the time.
I want close friends, but I don’t know how to create friendships where I don't feel lonely.
I don’t always know how to manage my loneliness, and what I should do with it. I think it all revolves around sitting with my feelings, noticing when I feel seen with friends, and cared for, and nurturing that relationship. Over and over, much like the way I nurture romantic relationships.
I think I’m going through another bout of depression before my period starts. It’s always when things feel the darkest that the clouds just dissipate. and it’s like spring has come again.
I think about Anthony Bourdain a lot. About this line, in particular, from the preview from his documentary.
“The world wasn’t enough for Tony. He was always looking for something more.”
And Tony took his own life.
I dislike that this resonates with me so much. When it all seems like it’ll never feel “good enough”, that I’ll never experience deep, euphoric happiness again, I think about this. But Tony couldn’t see what we all saw, and how much joy one human brought so many people. I wonder if I bring other people joy in that same way if I’m leaving behind some kind of legacy.
I can pull myself out of a spiral a lot easier now. I can say “No” more easily, and get up and DO SOMETHING about the way I’m feeling.
Today I: slept in, make a huge breakfast, read, masturbated, learned a short modern dance routine, and then came here. To this cafe. Sometimes I dislike being around people, but I know getting out of my apartment is good for me.
I submitted an exhibition proposal. I feel a little more of that familiar joy. The joy of being seen and understood through the art I create. I feel confident calling myself an artist now. Confident that I am doing something worthwhile even if I’m the only one who cares deeply about the images I make.
I crave affection, sweetness. Smiles and simple gestures. I crave sweaty dancefloor makeouts, and gigantic grins. I want summer yesterday, and for this cold weather to go the fuck away