Photo by Hans Vivek on Unsplash

Reoccurring.

Recently I reread and fixed up an old poem I wrote. It’s called IOU.
I am yearning for love in it. I am painting a picture of my future lover and I, and of the feelings I hoped to experience with them.

And then it happened months later. For a short time in summer, I remembered what it was like to breathe deeply, to paint with words, and how it felt to forget time existed.

When I look back on this poem and think of the months that followed, it’s almost unsettling how closely I predicted that future. Right down to the vinyl booths. I am a sucker for breakfast dates and nostalgia. I wish I could predict the future so clearly once more.

I started writing this with the intention of talking about my reoccurring nightmares:

TW

Most nights, my dreams end with a reenactment of my assault. Sometimes I am the victim and sometimes it is a sister. It is always the same person. Lately, I’ve been fighting it off. I yell and scream in my dream, I confront this person and call out everyone turning a blind eye to the abuse.

I wake up and refuse to go back to sleep until something else occupies my mind. I have to convince myself that my family is fine. That I am not supposed to “Save them.” I think it’s my guilt at living in a different city than them creeping in.

Sometimes I’m back in my bedroom I shared with my sister. My mom has convinced me to move back home and it's dirty. It’s so so cluttered and I try to clean it and nothing happens. I realize clutter has a huge impact on my mental health but I don’t always have it in me to stay neat. I get so distracted.

I think that if bad things like this nightmare can reoccur, then maybe the good things can too. That leaving myself open to any possibility is a good practice. I am glad that there will always be writing. There will always be words that I can paint with better than any other medium.

--

--

--

Queer and writing.

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

How to use Overthinking to work for you?

Mirror Neurons and the Bouncing Ball

Having A Side Project Can Save You From Overthinking

How Antisocial Personality Disorder Affects All of Us

Vlog — my panic attack in real time

Obsessive-Compulsive — Who, Me?

The Dirty Little Secret About Journaling

Men’s Health; the month-not the magazine

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Rainn

Rainn

Queer and writing.

More from Medium

The Journey of Gauntlet

CS373 Spring 2022: David Tang — Week 1

[S1 E5]: Full of Fashion!

Persian shield